Too lazy to put links, but Lithium by Evanescence just came on my Pandora and now it's Hurricane by 30 Seconds To Mars
Talking to my dad! My Awesome dad, not my actual dad.
Bahh. So I did stuff and stuff and now I'm thinking bad thoughts toward people because hormoness...
Is it bad that I kinda wish they'd break up like now? Cuz I want her to be happy, but I also want her, so... conflicting emotions.
I'm just gonna hide under a rock for the rest of eternity now. Bai.
(shortest post ever! For me at least.)
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
To Her
Angels bleed and fall in silence Don't Let Me Down by Automatic Loveletter
In case you couldn't guess by the title, I'm dedicating this to her. She knows who she is unfortunately... And she's driving me freaking insane. I HATE CRUSHES SO MUCH. Especially this one because I know I have like no chance whatsoever. So anyway. Here we go, time to embarrass the fuck out of myself.
I don't know much about you, but if I knew everything, would I still be interested? I would like to say yes, but nothing is certain. I do know a bit, enough to know that my feelings aren't just random, hormonal instincts that move me from one person to the next. You are not just the next. And even if you are, I'll be stuck on the next for the next long while. You are different. In good ways, and bad ones, but these are what make you who you are, this next that I am stuck on. I know you can see it. My eyes betray my feelings, my giggles, you know, the ones where I sound like a cutesy four year old? Those aren't voluntary, nor are they normal for me. Sometimes I float on these feelings, high above the clouds, high from you and oxygen deprivation, due to the height at which these feelings have pinned me. And pinned me they have, like a decaying butterfly in a collector's case. My heart is pinned to this board and enclosed in this transparent box for all the world to see. Only you can allow me out of this cage. In case of love, please break glass, please pull pin, set off the alarm and let me know. But like all alarms, please check that they are real, that this fire is not a drill, that it wasn't just some suspicious smelling smoke that drifted in from someone whose reality just got twisted. My thoughts surround my heart, trying to break it out of this clear encasement, but like feathers they only float when the wind is in their favor. When this soft wind dies down, my thoughts plummet to the earth, turned from feather to rock, and find themselves dead and decaying in the depths of hell. When this soft wind turns into a tornado, my thoughts are ripped limb from limb, and find themselves strapped to the bed in a mental hospital, being shot up with sedatives. Next thing you know, I'm deep in a dream, dreaming of you and only you with no way to stop this. Apocalyptic feelings shatter my body, but leave my heart in this unharmed box. The world collapses around me, and yet the thoughts only swarm my heart, attempting to release it to no avail, attempting to release it in vain, attempting to set me free from this spell you've put me under. So silently, they scream. They scream the poems that I've written. La Luna, a new series, just for you, because the thoughts haunt me so. They scream:
The sun shines
Only for the moon
But gets all the glory
The sun shines
Only for the moon
So that it may light up
The darkest nights
And though it may be dimmed
By light-pollution
Of distant humans
It is no less impressive
It will never die
When the night sky
Lets loose the rain
Beautiful, but obscuring
The moon
But when the rain slows
Or clears
The moon is the most precious thing to behold
Shadows made by sunlight
Show us all the way
To hell
But the light provided by the moon
Brings us back
To life
Lying silently in wait
Underworlds will rise again
New, fresh, ready to annihilate
And when they attempt, the moon will save us all
These and so many more, these are the stories they whisper. About the way la luna has driven me so insane. How it has left my coherency and reasoning murdered, bleeding in a ditch somewhere along the highway I'm running from, the highway of denial and rejection. I run to you and from you, dropping analogies to and fro, attempting to get your attention, attempting the break the dam that holds my feelings so deep in my soul. The feelings that feed off my soul, blackening it into depression, unhealthy obsession that I can not seem to control. My eyes control my outtake, but my eyes are suddenly glued to the mirror that reflects my ignorant soul, my captured heart, my illogical feelings. I can't take this, so I write in hopes that once my feelings flow onto a page, and the ink helps them stick, but instead I somehow inhale the essence of this ink, releasing this disease back into me. So then I scream them out, but inhale them back in. They will not disappear. So the logical part of me picks up a knife and goes to murder these bipolar feelings, but my logical thoughts have brought a knife to a gunfight, and reincarnation takes a long while, so I am overrun with these emotions. Moksha, please, let me break this endless cycle. I am crawling up this mountain with the lowest energy, attempting to rise from the Untouchables to Brahman. What did I do to deserve this kind of karma? What sins did I commit that made Jesus want to strike me with these kinds of feelings? Zeus, Thor, please, I beg you, strike me with lightning, fry these feelings to nothing, for I know they'll not be returned, and I'll be stuck in this cage forever. Flying Spaghetti Monster, rip my heart free of this cage with your noodle-y appendages, Space Unicorn Gods, let me join you on Onowon. Just let these feelings free, and leave me be, un-tortured and somewhat innocent, only scars left to tell the story of this tragic event in the illogical, hormone-ridden brain of a fifteen year old.
So, um, this actually turned out kind of morbid. Whoops... >.< I dunno, just... heavy fucking crushes guys.
And I know her life is really hard and shitty right now, and I want to help so bad, but I dunno how. I'm just really awkward. And if you read this, I dunno, like ignore it or something. I don't want you to be, like, burdened or something. Or feel as if you have an obligation. I'm just overly dramatic, and I know you don't need any more drama. Your life is falling apart, and I know I've said this like fifty thousand times, but I'm sorry.
And on that note, um, bye.
*disclaimer* with the religious analogies, I'm debating taking them out because I probably messed them up(excluding the christianity and Space Unicornist references) and feel like I might end up offending somebody. So, if I did offend anybody, I really didn't mean to, and I will remove the references.
In case you couldn't guess by the title, I'm dedicating this to her. She knows who she is unfortunately... And she's driving me freaking insane. I HATE CRUSHES SO MUCH. Especially this one because I know I have like no chance whatsoever. So anyway. Here we go, time to embarrass the fuck out of myself.
I don't know much about you, but if I knew everything, would I still be interested? I would like to say yes, but nothing is certain. I do know a bit, enough to know that my feelings aren't just random, hormonal instincts that move me from one person to the next. You are not just the next. And even if you are, I'll be stuck on the next for the next long while. You are different. In good ways, and bad ones, but these are what make you who you are, this next that I am stuck on. I know you can see it. My eyes betray my feelings, my giggles, you know, the ones where I sound like a cutesy four year old? Those aren't voluntary, nor are they normal for me. Sometimes I float on these feelings, high above the clouds, high from you and oxygen deprivation, due to the height at which these feelings have pinned me. And pinned me they have, like a decaying butterfly in a collector's case. My heart is pinned to this board and enclosed in this transparent box for all the world to see. Only you can allow me out of this cage. In case of love, please break glass, please pull pin, set off the alarm and let me know. But like all alarms, please check that they are real, that this fire is not a drill, that it wasn't just some suspicious smelling smoke that drifted in from someone whose reality just got twisted. My thoughts surround my heart, trying to break it out of this clear encasement, but like feathers they only float when the wind is in their favor. When this soft wind dies down, my thoughts plummet to the earth, turned from feather to rock, and find themselves dead and decaying in the depths of hell. When this soft wind turns into a tornado, my thoughts are ripped limb from limb, and find themselves strapped to the bed in a mental hospital, being shot up with sedatives. Next thing you know, I'm deep in a dream, dreaming of you and only you with no way to stop this. Apocalyptic feelings shatter my body, but leave my heart in this unharmed box. The world collapses around me, and yet the thoughts only swarm my heart, attempting to release it to no avail, attempting to release it in vain, attempting to set me free from this spell you've put me under. So silently, they scream. They scream the poems that I've written. La Luna, a new series, just for you, because the thoughts haunt me so. They scream:
The sun shines
Only for the moon
But gets all the glory
The sun shines
Only for the moon
So that it may light up
The darkest nights
And though it may be dimmed
By light-pollution
Of distant humans
It is no less impressive
It will never die
When the night sky
Lets loose the rain
Beautiful, but obscuring
The moon
But when the rain slows
Or clears
The moon is the most precious thing to behold
Shadows made by sunlight
Show us all the way
To hell
But the light provided by the moon
Brings us back
To life
Lying silently in wait
Underworlds will rise again
New, fresh, ready to annihilate
And when they attempt, the moon will save us all
These and so many more, these are the stories they whisper. About the way la luna has driven me so insane. How it has left my coherency and reasoning murdered, bleeding in a ditch somewhere along the highway I'm running from, the highway of denial and rejection. I run to you and from you, dropping analogies to and fro, attempting to get your attention, attempting the break the dam that holds my feelings so deep in my soul. The feelings that feed off my soul, blackening it into depression, unhealthy obsession that I can not seem to control. My eyes control my outtake, but my eyes are suddenly glued to the mirror that reflects my ignorant soul, my captured heart, my illogical feelings. I can't take this, so I write in hopes that once my feelings flow onto a page, and the ink helps them stick, but instead I somehow inhale the essence of this ink, releasing this disease back into me. So then I scream them out, but inhale them back in. They will not disappear. So the logical part of me picks up a knife and goes to murder these bipolar feelings, but my logical thoughts have brought a knife to a gunfight, and reincarnation takes a long while, so I am overrun with these emotions. Moksha, please, let me break this endless cycle. I am crawling up this mountain with the lowest energy, attempting to rise from the Untouchables to Brahman. What did I do to deserve this kind of karma? What sins did I commit that made Jesus want to strike me with these kinds of feelings? Zeus, Thor, please, I beg you, strike me with lightning, fry these feelings to nothing, for I know they'll not be returned, and I'll be stuck in this cage forever. Flying Spaghetti Monster, rip my heart free of this cage with your noodle-y appendages, Space Unicorn Gods, let me join you on Onowon. Just let these feelings free, and leave me be, un-tortured and somewhat innocent, only scars left to tell the story of this tragic event in the illogical, hormone-ridden brain of a fifteen year old.
So, um, this actually turned out kind of morbid. Whoops... >.< I dunno, just... heavy fucking crushes guys.
And I know her life is really hard and shitty right now, and I want to help so bad, but I dunno how. I'm just really awkward. And if you read this, I dunno, like ignore it or something. I don't want you to be, like, burdened or something. Or feel as if you have an obligation. I'm just overly dramatic, and I know you don't need any more drama. Your life is falling apart, and I know I've said this like fifty thousand times, but I'm sorry.
And on that note, um, bye.
*disclaimer* with the religious analogies, I'm debating taking them out because I probably messed them up(excluding the christianity and Space Unicornist references) and feel like I might end up offending somebody. So, if I did offend anybody, I really didn't mean to, and I will remove the references.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Obsessions
Automatic Loveletter Truth or Dare full album
So, new obsession. Juliet Simms. And Automatic Loveletter. Blame Lauren.
I'm also obsessing over pizza at the moment. Craving barbecue chicken pizza. Or wings. Wings would be nice.
Ticked off at the fact that there're a few ideas I've had for eye drawings that I can't complete because of my wrist. I'm really hoping I don't have to have surgery. That would screw my summer up.
Biggest obsession... Well, not really an obsession. Just a huge ass crush. She knows. Doubt she knows how big it is though. Or what she's been doing to me.
Anyway... I think that's about it. If anybody wants to take two hamsters off my hands, that'd be appreciated. I don't really want them going to a pet store...
So, new obsession. Juliet Simms. And Automatic Loveletter. Blame Lauren.
I'm also obsessing over pizza at the moment. Craving barbecue chicken pizza. Or wings. Wings would be nice.
Ticked off at the fact that there're a few ideas I've had for eye drawings that I can't complete because of my wrist. I'm really hoping I don't have to have surgery. That would screw my summer up.
Biggest obsession... Well, not really an obsession. Just a huge ass crush. She knows. Doubt she knows how big it is though. Or what she's been doing to me.
Anyway... I think that's about it. If anybody wants to take two hamsters off my hands, that'd be appreciated. I don't really want them going to a pet store...
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Pansexuality
I'm not done living in a world of experimenting Domesticated by VersaEmerge
So, I've mentioned it in previous posts, but I am pretty sure I am pansexual. I've known I like females since, what was it, sixth grade?, because of a CIT at my summer camp. I dunno if I've explained pansexuality before, but I'll sum it up anyway: It's like bisexuality, but where bi means two, pan means all, meaning that if there were another gender, in theory, we'd be able to like them, too. I've heard it explained as the ability to like transgender/sexual beings, or hermaphrodites, which is true, but I don't feel that that's the true definition. It's a hard concept. I got really ticked off one time, because somebody tried to describe pansexuality as the ability to fuck anything that moves. Which is *not* true. I, for one, am not into bestiality. But if you are... sucks, I guess? 'Cause it's illegal, isn't it? I dunno.
But yeah. I've talked about how I've been with a few of each gender, and the crush I have on a certain female has exploded since I mentioned it in earlier posts. She's driving me insane(in a good way, kinda, I guess).
But I've had this idea to do a post about pros/cons and/or what I like/dislike about each gender. That's a lot of slashes.
But it'd go something along the lines of:
Females:
Pros-understanding; gentler; better kissers
Cons-drama; emotional; PMS
Males:
Pros-not afraid to be perverted; appreciative of sports;
Cons-goal is to get in one's pants; hygiene isn't always the best
etc; etc; you get my drift. It'd be based on my experiences and opinions, and there'd be the disclaimer that nobody is the same, and this is purely based off me and stuff, but yeah. Does anyone want me to? And if you do, should I do like fifty pros one post, with a complete different post for like fifty cons, or just as many as possible clumped into one post?
Comment on whether you think this is a good or bad idea.
So, I've mentioned it in previous posts, but I am pretty sure I am pansexual. I've known I like females since, what was it, sixth grade?, because of a CIT at my summer camp. I dunno if I've explained pansexuality before, but I'll sum it up anyway: It's like bisexuality, but where bi means two, pan means all, meaning that if there were another gender, in theory, we'd be able to like them, too. I've heard it explained as the ability to like transgender/sexual beings, or hermaphrodites, which is true, but I don't feel that that's the true definition. It's a hard concept. I got really ticked off one time, because somebody tried to describe pansexuality as the ability to fuck anything that moves. Which is *not* true. I, for one, am not into bestiality. But if you are... sucks, I guess? 'Cause it's illegal, isn't it? I dunno.
But yeah. I've talked about how I've been with a few of each gender, and the crush I have on a certain female has exploded since I mentioned it in earlier posts. She's driving me insane(in a good way, kinda, I guess).
But I've had this idea to do a post about pros/cons and/or what I like/dislike about each gender. That's a lot of slashes.
But it'd go something along the lines of:
Females:
Pros-understanding; gentler; better kissers
Cons-drama; emotional; PMS
Males:
Pros-not afraid to be perverted; appreciative of sports;
Cons-goal is to get in one's pants; hygiene isn't always the best
etc; etc; you get my drift. It'd be based on my experiences and opinions, and there'd be the disclaimer that nobody is the same, and this is purely based off me and stuff, but yeah. Does anyone want me to? And if you do, should I do like fifty pros one post, with a complete different post for like fifty cons, or just as many as possible clumped into one post?
Comment on whether you think this is a good or bad idea.
Friday, May 10, 2013
For you, Vasu
I'm lost in my room, can't find my way out. It's all just the same, should I cry or should I smile? Call Of Schizophrenia I love this song so much. I dunno why.
So, this is for my friend, Vasudha/Vasu/DJ Curry/potato/not actually potato/my ho. She just made a blog ( http://hashtagswaggy.blogspot.com/ ). Her rant about geometry rings true. Like honestly, where the fuck are you ever going to need a proof? Does that happen? Is that a thing?
So, according to swagmasta Vasudha, I need to "get my feelings out".
So this is going to be one of those "Bros before hos" kinda things.
I spent most of today completely ignoring one of my best friends. Possible ex-best friend. She hasn't apologized and I'm just so done with her drama. First off, she changed for a guy.
VASU, STAHP. IT WAS POPPED! POPPED!
Back to topic, she changed for him. It wasn't a *major* change, but she did change. One of my biggest things about relationships is never changing who you are for someone you like. If the person doesn't like you for who you are, they're not worth it. Secondly, she's ditched me multiple times for this guy. This has been going on for a few weeks, mind you, and it had been becoming progressively worse. About a week ago, her topics of conversation became limited. It was either 1.) Something about the guy, ya know, "(guy) said this, (guy) said that", or "(guy) is so sweet and understanding!", or "I really like (guy)" or 2.) My Little Pony. The guy she's obsessing over is a Brony. Make the connection. It was getting super annoying.
Anyway, yesterday or last night or something she asked him out. He rejected her. Nicely. Something along the lines of "You're a nice girl and all, I just don't like you."
So today, I come into school, as usual, waiting for her by my locker so she can stick her shit in there because we can't take it to gym.
Allison has a boyfriend? I wonder why, Vivian. Can it be that she's hot and funny and has an amazing personality and even I fell for her at one point?
Back on topic. So she comes stomping up to my locker and glares at me. When I look at her back, questioningly, she goes, "What the fuck do you want?!" Needless to say, I was taken aback, you know, since she's never spoken to me like that before. Anyway, I let her put my stuff in my locker, and we go sit by the locker rooms, cuz there's AP testing in the gym, and she alternates between ignoring me, and degrading me. So I decide, you know, she's hurting, I'll be nice, give her time and stuff. I figured she would be pissy to everybody. But nooo, instead, she's a fucking social butterfly, being pleasant to everybody and their mother. I try to say anything to her, she'll glare at me, or be like "What do you want?" and just being generally rude throughout the period.
Keep in mind, I have no idea why she's acting like this towards me. I don't even talk to the guy she likes, so it's not like a sabotaged her or anything.
Anyway, we get to CATS, and she didn't put her shoes on after gym, so she's putting her shoes on, and Jullian takes one, being playful and crap, and tosses it at me. Knowing she's being all pissy, I hand it back to her. She snatches it away and is like "Thanks bitch" being rude, and malicious, and giving me the death glare. By then I was fed up. So I looked her in the eye, and said "I'm done." I wandered around the cafeteria for about five minutes, talking to Jade, and then I talked to Nicky about how we both got on the All-Stars team thing, then I go and sit with Michelle N. and some of those other people.
Including *ahem, Vasudha, ahem* Will and Justin.
To give you an idea of just how bad she was being, we were one of those attached-at-the-hip-besties type people. Now I'm not sure I'll ever speak to her again.
Happier-ish topic-I'm not sure what I've mentioned of the hamster children, but I'm pretty sure I've mentioned them before. I dunno if I said there were three, or anything, but there were three, two like calico colored and a little black one. The little black one had a deformed arm and didn't make it. But the two others got big, and had to be taken out of their mom's enclosure. We're referring to them as Chipmonky and Neat Freak. But they have to go. We're not gonna be keeping four hamsters. Two is enough. With the turtles and the cats and everything.
And last thing. A big thanks goes to Vasudha. She's helped me get through a lot of shit this year, and I'm really grateful to have her in my life. Thank you.
So, this is for my friend, Vasudha/Vasu/DJ Curry/potato/not actually potato/my ho. She just made a blog ( http://hashtagswaggy.blogspot.com/ ). Her rant about geometry rings true. Like honestly, where the fuck are you ever going to need a proof? Does that happen? Is that a thing?
So, according to swagmasta Vasudha, I need to "get my feelings out".
So this is going to be one of those "Bros before hos" kinda things.
I spent most of today completely ignoring one of my best friends. Possible ex-best friend. She hasn't apologized and I'm just so done with her drama. First off, she changed for a guy.
VASU, STAHP. IT WAS POPPED! POPPED!
Back to topic, she changed for him. It wasn't a *major* change, but she did change. One of my biggest things about relationships is never changing who you are for someone you like. If the person doesn't like you for who you are, they're not worth it. Secondly, she's ditched me multiple times for this guy. This has been going on for a few weeks, mind you, and it had been becoming progressively worse. About a week ago, her topics of conversation became limited. It was either 1.) Something about the guy, ya know, "(guy) said this, (guy) said that", or "(guy) is so sweet and understanding!", or "I really like (guy)" or 2.) My Little Pony. The guy she's obsessing over is a Brony. Make the connection. It was getting super annoying.
Anyway, yesterday or last night or something she asked him out. He rejected her. Nicely. Something along the lines of "You're a nice girl and all, I just don't like you."
So today, I come into school, as usual, waiting for her by my locker so she can stick her shit in there because we can't take it to gym.
Allison has a boyfriend? I wonder why, Vivian. Can it be that she's hot and funny and has an amazing personality and even I fell for her at one point?
Back on topic. So she comes stomping up to my locker and glares at me. When I look at her back, questioningly, she goes, "What the fuck do you want?!" Needless to say, I was taken aback, you know, since she's never spoken to me like that before. Anyway, I let her put my stuff in my locker, and we go sit by the locker rooms, cuz there's AP testing in the gym, and she alternates between ignoring me, and degrading me. So I decide, you know, she's hurting, I'll be nice, give her time and stuff. I figured she would be pissy to everybody. But nooo, instead, she's a fucking social butterfly, being pleasant to everybody and their mother. I try to say anything to her, she'll glare at me, or be like "What do you want?" and just being generally rude throughout the period.
Keep in mind, I have no idea why she's acting like this towards me. I don't even talk to the guy she likes, so it's not like a sabotaged her or anything.
Anyway, we get to CATS, and she didn't put her shoes on after gym, so she's putting her shoes on, and Jullian takes one, being playful and crap, and tosses it at me. Knowing she's being all pissy, I hand it back to her. She snatches it away and is like "Thanks bitch" being rude, and malicious, and giving me the death glare. By then I was fed up. So I looked her in the eye, and said "I'm done." I wandered around the cafeteria for about five minutes, talking to Jade, and then I talked to Nicky about how we both got on the All-Stars team thing, then I go and sit with Michelle N. and some of those other people.
Including *ahem, Vasudha, ahem* Will and Justin.
To give you an idea of just how bad she was being, we were one of those attached-at-the-hip-besties type people. Now I'm not sure I'll ever speak to her again.
Happier-ish topic-I'm not sure what I've mentioned of the hamster children, but I'm pretty sure I've mentioned them before. I dunno if I said there were three, or anything, but there were three, two like calico colored and a little black one. The little black one had a deformed arm and didn't make it. But the two others got big, and had to be taken out of their mom's enclosure. We're referring to them as Chipmonky and Neat Freak. But they have to go. We're not gonna be keeping four hamsters. Two is enough. With the turtles and the cats and everything.
And last thing. A big thanks goes to Vasudha. She's helped me get through a lot of shit this year, and I'm really grateful to have her in my life. Thank you.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
...
HOLY CRAP! I JUST FOUND OUT STARS IN STEREO HAS NEW MUSIC AND A WEBSITE AND AN ALBUM OUT AND AHHHHHH.
BAHHH!
AHHHHH!
lol, sorry, spazzing so hard right now. Links: SinS SinnerS Every Last Thing The Broken
I already downloaded Half Life and am about to buy the album!
Okay, yeah, I'm gonna go now. Spazz some more.
BAHHH!
AHHHHH!
lol, sorry, spazzing so hard right now. Links: SinS SinnerS Every Last Thing The Broken
I already downloaded Half Life and am about to buy the album!
Okay, yeah, I'm gonna go now. Spazz some more.
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