Obsessions

Automatic Loveletter Truth or Dare full album
So, new obsession. Juliet Simms. And Automatic Loveletter. Blame Lauren.
I'm also obsessing over pizza at the moment. Craving barbecue chicken pizza. Or wings. Wings would be nice.
Ticked off at the fact that there're a few ideas I've had for eye drawings that I can't complete because of my wrist. I'm really hoping I don't have to have surgery. That would screw my summer up.

Biggest obsession... Well, not really an obsession. Just a huge ass crush. She knows. Doubt she knows how big it is though. Or what she's been doing to me.

Anyway... I think that's about it. If anybody wants to take two hamsters off my hands, that'd be appreciated. I don't really want them going to a pet store...

Pansexuality

I'm not done living in a world of experimenting Domesticated by VersaEmerge
So, I've mentioned it in previous posts, but I am pretty sure I am pansexual. I've known I like females since, what was it, sixth grade?, because of a CIT at my summer camp.  I dunno if I've explained pansexuality before, but I'll sum it up anyway: It's like bisexuality, but where bi means two, pan means all, meaning that if there were another gender, in theory, we'd be able to like them, too. I've heard it explained as the ability to like transgender/sexual beings, or hermaphrodites, which is true, but I don't feel that that's the true definition. It's a hard concept. I got really ticked off one time, because somebody tried to describe pansexuality as the ability to fuck anything that moves. Which is *not* true. I, for one, am not into bestiality. But if you are... sucks, I guess? 'Cause it's illegal, isn't it? I dunno.
But yeah. I've talked about how I've been with a few of each gender, and the crush I have on a certain female has exploded since I mentioned it in earlier posts. She's driving me insane(in a good way, kinda, I guess).
But I've had this idea to do a post about pros/cons and/or what I like/dislike about each gender. That's a lot of slashes.
But it'd go something along the lines of:

Females:
Pros-understanding; gentler; better kissers
Cons-drama; emotional; PMS

Males:
Pros-not afraid to be perverted; appreciative of sports;
Cons-goal is to get in one's pants; hygiene isn't always the best

etc; etc; you get my drift. It'd be based on my experiences and opinions, and there'd be the disclaimer that nobody is the same, and this is purely based off me and stuff, but yeah. Does anyone want me to? And if you do, should I do like fifty pros one post, with a complete different post for like fifty cons, or just as many as possible clumped into one post?
Comment on whether you think this is a good or bad idea.

For you, Vasu

I'm lost in my room, can't find my way out. It's all just the same, should I cry or should I smile? Call Of Schizophrenia I love this song so much. I dunno why.
So, this is for my friend, Vasudha/Vasu/DJ Curry/potato/not actually potato/my ho. She just made a blog ( http://hashtagswaggy.blogspot.com/ ). Her rant about geometry rings true. Like honestly, where the fuck are you ever going to need a proof? Does that happen? Is that a thing?
So, according to swagmasta Vasudha, I need to "get my feelings out".
So this is going to be one of those "Bros before hos" kinda things.
I spent most of today completely ignoring one of my best friends. Possible ex-best friend. She hasn't apologized and I'm just so done with her drama. First off, she changed for a guy.
VASU, STAHP. IT WAS POPPED! POPPED!
Back to topic, she changed for him. It wasn't a *major* change, but she did change. One of my biggest things about relationships is never changing who you are for someone you like. If the person doesn't like you for who you are, they're not worth it. Secondly, she's ditched me multiple times for this guy. This has been going on for a few weeks, mind you, and it had been becoming progressively worse. About a week ago, her topics of conversation became limited. It was either 1.) Something about the guy, ya know, "(guy) said this, (guy) said that", or "(guy) is so sweet and understanding!", or "I really like (guy)" or 2.) My Little Pony. The guy she's obsessing over is a Brony. Make the connection. It was getting super annoying.
Anyway, yesterday or last night or something she asked him out. He rejected her. Nicely. Something along the lines of "You're a nice girl and all, I just don't like you."
So today, I come into school, as usual, waiting for her by my locker so she can stick her shit in there because we can't take it to gym.
Allison has a boyfriend? I wonder why, Vivian. Can it be that she's hot and funny and has an amazing personality and even I fell for her at one point?
Back on topic. So she comes stomping up to my locker and glares at me. When I look at her back, questioningly, she goes, "What the fuck do you want?!" Needless to say, I was taken aback, you know, since she's never spoken to me like that before. Anyway, I let her put my stuff in my locker, and we go sit by the locker rooms, cuz there's AP testing in the gym, and she alternates between ignoring me, and degrading me. So I decide, you know, she's hurting, I'll be nice, give her time and stuff. I figured she would be pissy to everybody. But nooo, instead, she's a fucking social butterfly, being pleasant to everybody and their mother. I try to say anything to her, she'll glare at me, or be like "What do you want?" and just being generally rude throughout the period.
Keep in mind, I have no idea why she's acting like this towards me. I don't even talk to the guy she likes, so it's not like a sabotaged her or anything.
Anyway, we get to CATS, and she didn't put her shoes on after gym, so she's putting her shoes on, and Jullian takes one, being playful and crap, and tosses it at me. Knowing she's being all pissy, I hand it back to her. She snatches it away and is like "Thanks bitch" being rude, and malicious, and giving me the death glare. By then I was fed up. So I looked her in the eye, and said "I'm done." I wandered around the cafeteria for about five minutes, talking to Jade, and then I talked to Nicky about how we both got on the All-Stars team thing, then I go and sit with Michelle N. and some of those other people.
Including *ahem, Vasudha, ahem* Will and Justin.
To give you an idea of just how bad she was being, we were one of those attached-at-the-hip-besties type people. Now I'm not sure I'll ever speak to her again.

Happier-ish topic-I'm not sure what I've mentioned of the hamster children, but I'm pretty sure I've mentioned them before. I dunno if I said there were three, or anything, but there were three, two like calico colored and a little black one. The little black one had a deformed arm and didn't make it. But the two others got big, and had to be taken out of their mom's enclosure. We're referring to them as Chipmonky and Neat Freak. But they have to go. We're not gonna be keeping four hamsters. Two is enough. With the turtles and the cats and everything.

And last thing. A big thanks goes to Vasudha. She's helped me get through a lot of shit this year, and I'm really grateful to have her in my life. Thank you.

...

HOLY CRAP! I JUST FOUND OUT STARS IN STEREO HAS NEW MUSIC AND A WEBSITE AND AN ALBUM OUT AND AHHHHHH.
BAHHH!
AHHHHH!
lol, sorry, spazzing so hard right now. Links: SinS SinnerS Every Last Thing The Broken
I already downloaded Half Life and am about to buy the album!
Okay, yeah, I'm gonna go now. Spazz some more.

'Cause I have nothing better to do

I wish you'd open up for me, amaryllis bloom. I've been listening to the album on repeat for awhile Amaryllis Shinedown's full album

I'm going crazy over people. People either being extremely stupid, or people being too amazing for their own good.

I'm not sure if I've said it on here or not, but I broke up with Brooke.

Like anyone cares.

I'm pretty sure she's rebounding with Damien.

Meanwhile, I'm forever alone. I gotta stop falling for people in happily committed relationships with loud friends at lunch tables that make me wanna hurt myself.

I'm really hoping she doesn't read this... She probably won't. Half the time I think she's fucking with my head.

Well, she's unintentionally fucking with my head because that's how my hormones work, but there're other things... I dunno.

Am I sick, or am I gifted? lol, sorry. I love Shinedown.

So yeah, this was mostly to say I'm not enjoying pansexuality. Wait, that's a lie. I have no problem with my sexuality. I have problems with having huge crushes on people I can't have. 

Oh damn, it's almost nine. When did this happen?! I need to finish my homework. Fitness logs, agg, there's no point to this!

Nowhere Kids!!! I love this song!

lol, sorry. For my random music-related outbursts and posts that are irrelevant to everything. 

Okay, well, I'mma finish my homework like a good little student. Goodbye now.

Hi Lauren, lol

Move, and show us what you can do, when you step into the circle and shake like we do Move by Thousand Foot Krutch This song is addictive, lol.
So the pet store was wrong. The hamsters were not both male. I went to clean out their enclosure today and I opened the loft and Innocence is all like "HEY BITCH! JUST KIDDING, I'M FEMALE! AND LOOK AT MY CHILDREN!" And she just peed out the side of the cage... lovely. We had to separate her and Iggy.
Frank is glaring at me. He really needs turtle lotion on his face, but he thinks my finger is a worm, so I'm unable to apply it. He took a chunk out of my thumb once.
I just finished going through my friend Lauren's blogs. Realized that I really ignore mine, lol.
Yeah, so I really don't have anything to talk about other than the whole hamster children surprise. I guess I'll post some poems? I'll post two really long ones!
Here's the first. I actually have a series of these going, calling it the Dear You series. This one is about my best friend from like 1st-3rd grade or so. Back when I was living in Oklahoma.

Dear you,

You, who always had space in your car for me, even though you were a family of nine in an average mini van.

You, who I met in kindergarten because your tooth was loose and you were freaking out, so I punched you and it fell out, but somehow we became friends anyway.

You, who helped me be totally oblivious to how much crap I was going through.

You, who I spent every weekend with, who I knew everything about, who I saved from going to the hospital because I made you eat.

You, whose chihuahua ate my crock, because apparently I was able to wear those, even with my sensitivity issues

You

I don’t know where you are now.

I don’t know if you’re alive.

I don’t know if you continued eating even after I moved in third grade.

You, who got adopted by a relative, (your aunt? It seemed irrelevant to me), and spent a week happier than I’d ever seen anyone.

I didn’t know what that meant.

I still don’t know if your last name is Hoffman or Ray.

I just remember how happy your happiness made me.

You, who envied me because that little red-headed boy and I hung out a lot.

I guess we were dating, that red-head and I.

I don’t count it now, we were so young.

I still think of him too, every time I hear All-Star by Smash-mouth.

You, who ran with me in Run Club even though you were severely anorexic.

I didn’t know what that word meant back then.

I didn’t quite care either.

But I didn’t let you skip a meal either.

You, who tickled me until I peed, didn’t care that I had just stained your favorite sheets, and continued tickling me.

I was embarrassed.

I actually kind of hate being tickled now.

I was lying, I love being tickled, depending on the person.

You, who taught me how to do the stupidest things on the trampoline, but neither of us cared because it was fun.

I still think of that.

I haven’t really been on a trampoline since.

I broke the last one I was on anyways.

You, whose picture I have hanging on the wall, the one where the photographer got your whole family in one shot without cutting anyone off.

I taped it next to my bed.

I think about you all the time.

I wonder where you are.

You

I don’t know where you are now.

I don’t know if you’re alive.

I don’t remember you that well, but

You are the one who saved me.

(And I wonder where you are everyday, wonder who you are, wonder who you’re with, wonder if you’re okay, what you look like

And if we would still be friends today

I have changed so much

But who’s to say

You haven’t?)

This one is from my novel Mysty Eyes and Flaming Hearts. Myst's poem for the moment. It's called  Decrepit Hope

The tree stood stoically

Watching the corner of death and defiance in silence

Its bark old and white, peeling and pale

Yet it held in its branches

Hope enough for us

People passed it frequently

Never giving it a second thought

They shied from it, unsure why

But the feeling they got disrupted their lives

They preferred to continue into the black

In the night, the tree glowed

Drawing moths of every kind

Bio-luminescent for the ones who refused to give up

The minority that lived and loved

But it also drew unwanted attention

A certain spirit of the in-between

Disagreed with the life the tree lived

And decided to go against it

In the dark, the deity came

With the intention of disintegration

The bark turned from white to orange

Blazing red and blue

The spectrum of flame raged against it

It drew the moths

It scarred the moths

The fire moved vertically

Trunk to tip

Blackening weary branches

Tired of holding hope

But determination fought both depression and inferno

Grim consideration broke out amongst the moths

Away they flew, to the depths they went

Leaving the tree to fight itself and combustion

Leaving the tree to decide worthless hope or death

Leaving the tree to scorch and burn

Glass branches shatter

Hope flooding into a world of death

Roots loosen their grip on reality

Turning to ash, ready to rot

Flames have destroyed the source of all good

Desolate souls beg

They sense the great loss

And plummet

But hope isn’t quite lost

As a moth flutters in glimmering remains

As a moth flutters in the leftover dust

As a moth inhales the ashes 

Of the tree’s rejected hope

And becomes a symbol

And remains a symbol

And spreads hope

In a land where hope does not exist

Yeah... I dunno. I fail. I can't hear my music cuz my mom is being annoying.

Happy Birthday to my aunt! 

Good night, sleep tight, don't let the dead bite.

Sheer boredom and a slam poem

Disorder Toxicity by System Of A Down Yeah... this, The Way Of The Fist by Five Finger Death Punch and This Is The New Shit by Marilyn Manson stuck in my head today...
I should actually be doing geometry homework, but ya know, procrastination and stuff. So I went through my statistics today and was actually kind of surprised. I didn't actually think that many people had read anything from this blog. Of course, most of it is my heterochromia and hetalia posts, but still... Yeah, I really don't have much to talk about. English class today was interesting. We all had to present our slam poems, which was kind of uneventful. I did mine on sexual orientation (I'll include it after this post, I guess) and got asked if I was doing the silence for the LGBT(QP) community thing, which, of course, I am. But with my stage fright and all, it came across pretty weak... then my teacher had us write Shakespearean love letters or something, which went hilariously wrong when Jordan and Andrew went and wrote their's to each other and preformed them. I laughed until I cried. I sense a bromance going on! So yeah, that was pretty much the highlight of my day. And there's this new, somewhat insightful kid in my Creative Writing class. One of my hamsters is washing himself. It's pretty adorable. By the way, I named them Innocence and Ignorance. Ignorance is the one taking a bath and goes by Iggy. My mom thinks they're pretty horrible names for hamsters, but one of my cats is name Cricket, so... Yeah. I think I'm just gonna add the poem here and then do my math...
Slam Poem: More About Rainbows, Less About Disabilities

Love in the world of those who

Can’t, don’t, won’t, or

Like the same, “wrong”, gender

Always bittersweet until you’re

Accepted or rejected or thrown from this world

Torn from your soul and thrown into hell

Because apparently being LGBTQ or P is

A sin

Doesn’t it appeal to you?

I know, you’re

Straight or able to love freely you

Don’t know what it feels like, never knowing

Or knowing you’re not allowed

Slapped, scolded, told “no touchy”

Because he, she, they are straight

This pain may as well

Kill me off for it’s ‘unnecessary’, or ‘wrong’ in the eyes of homophobes

Only if I could

Rid myself of this feeling or have it returned would I be

Satisfied/terrified

Healing takes time and

Energy, god, just

Reject me, eject me from this world of

Loss and hate

Because if this is a disease

It’s a proud disease

And I’d rather not fight it

So eject me from this world of homo hate

Agitate, take your adjectives describing me as

Self-destructing, destroying the wold by encouraging others

Because being around gay people makes you gay 

Just like

Being around tall people makes you tall

This ‘hideous’ thing has reared it’s head and is

Eating away at

Rotting away at

My soul

There’s this disease

And it’s called love

And if I die from it

That’s fine because

And if I’m sinning because of it

That’s fine because

I’m pansexual and proud

Somewhat of a coming out story, I guess. My classmates who hadn't know before, know now. I was gonna add something about how it's not a choice, but I already almost had a panic attack from just standing up in front of the class... Also, there are two slam poems I really like. One is Somewhere There Is A Poem by Gina Loring, and To This Day by Shane something-or-other. Koyzec? I dunno, something weird like that. 

And there was one kid, Danielle, whose slam poem was worthy of worship.

So yeah... Geometry. Then soccer. Peace out girl scout